Today I went to class, which was not significant in any way tbh. Oh other than when I brought pokey for Nnenna but she did not want it so I lowkey snacked on it all during class. I also found out that Martha and I are going to be taking a few of the same classes next semester so I'm really happy about that. Speaking of which, yes!!! I enrolled for my classes for next semester. #4dayweekend I am hypeeeeeeee (๑>◡<๑). After class i went home to eat a lil sum sum before the big event but I ended up hanging out with Ethan and Benji and we went to the Y to eat with Axel and Vale. we talked and got ready for our collab on their show at 6 and on our show at 9. It's funny how quickly 3 hours can pass with people you hella fuck with. On La mezcla we played coolz international jazz and talked about stuff, i lowkey forget not gonna lie. then after that we went outside to smoke and vandalize a lor bit. shouts out to rooftops and oil based markers (yayyyyyy). We went to la frak to make the freakquencies playlist and on the way there Benji and i developed this bit where we start singing the "Lolipop" song in a doo-wop way. It was pretty funny to do because Ethan and Val would start running away from us like we were freaks >_> (wait...). so then we hung out and made the playlsit, I also tried to figure out what im gonna post tommorow on Solace's insta account as an event recap. Axel became a TA and Val learned a new k-pop routine. benji gerbed around. Finally it was 9 pm and time for the freaks to really come out...... During our show Amina and Neala came and it wuz so awesome to hang out with them too because the last time I saw them was at Pyrexia and I was running around the entire time so I hardly was able to really kick it with my girls. We played shoegaze post-rock tonight and we did some more lolipop workshopping, plus talking about Aminas cat. After dat I was supposed to go to Abrars house to watch a movie with Ethan, Axel, Waida, Angelo and Emely but I realized my work load and was like... I lowkey cant go so I caught a ride with Neala to go back homeski. We talked about serious matters on the way to the car and eventually decided we were gonna go to see Esdeekid in new york in february AHHHHHHH. then we called freddy and charlotte and had wonderful conversations with them (i don't think i can disclose the subject of either howevre so sorry). then I came home and talked to my roomates for a bit, Ella, Kaylins friend is sleeping over tonight and it was nice to see her, she is very kind. I then made a youtube video just because i wanted to upload somehting heh. OMG OMGOMG bruhhhh today i realized i frickin haven't subbed in 150 days so im no longer an "active sub" according to kelly education and I like "voluntarily resgined" so im not a fricking sub anymore.... idk why but this makes me sad. dont get me wrong i didn't love waking up early and having to interact with middle schoolers too much but at the right school..... the paycheck was def wortht the lack of effort u put in. But its ok because i texted my manager at ekiben and I think Imma just pick up shifts there. but ok once i got home i talked for a lor bit, made video and then just locked in on getting my homework done. I accidentlyyyyyyy didn't do a discussion due on thursday (i like legit started work at 11:58 pm s0....) but its ok because i still did it and that's what matters. Then i worked a little on my audit for inst204 and i should probably touch my part of the research report outline for inst201.tonight i also finally decided that i want to start this blog and vent about my day because honestly, i try to in my diary but my hand always starts crampin so i can never get ALLL my words out (i try to keep going despite the pain but like girl this athritis is settin in early). i think i am heard in my life, but i often feel like i am not listened to, or listened to in the way i wish to be. like i can say somehting but it is immidiatley not taken seriously because people see me as unserious! and maybe it is my fault because i laugh after everything i say, or i can joke around after a serious topic so quickly. i think my behavior does lead to my tendency to not be heard, like bruh on the daily i feel like the "who tf is coco girl??" and its getting to be not funny LOL. how do i make myself seen as a serious person, or at least someone who should be heard? like today i was trying to tell my friend about the classes i enrolled for next semsester and i felt like the a fly trying to talk to a human - its not being listened to and in a way, not even interpreted. sometimes i wonder if it is just a difference in personality or if there is something about me that makes it easy to be dismissed. however i think that i do carry myself with confidence and a strong sense of dignity even with my playful manner. i think if people don't respect me or try to listen to me that is a them thing and not something i shoudl really ruminate over. right now im listening to girly pop frutiger metro music n its sooooo gooodododddd. i think i should go to bed soon its 2:30 am and i DOOOO have class in the morning. but it was nice to vent. see you next tyme <3 abby
I am so close to finishing Song Of Solomon, yet everything I pick it up, it is as though I am merely pecking at the pages. I want to finish the book. Not in a Im-tired-of-reading this way, but because I want to have this book be in my mind again. I appreciate books the most when I have finished reading them, it is only after the final page has been turned that I envelope myself in their world and that i begin to see the characters as people in my actual life. and I love Toni Morrisons writing. She has a way of speaking to your soul. To tearing you apart and tending to your wounds like a cat after they scratch you - the prickle glazes over the wound, but I do not tell it to stop. Speaking of books that I have read, I am currently watching the newest Frankenstein movie. all I can think about is how the book is the greatest depiction of being the daughter of a man. being forced into their world, WILLED, and once you are here, after the marvel of your creation has sufficed their pride. you are no longer a magnificent thing but a creature. I remember how my dad would act grossed out when I talked about my period, how he began to make me feel ashamed for my body when I started middle school, how in high school he would make my life seem like the greatest burden. "I took you to your track practice", " don't use your tears on me", all of his talk about masculinity and how I will be wishing i had dated a real man, a high value man when I am older. his implications that I will be Just like those women he constantly heard on those brainrotted podcasts, women who scammed men and who were fat but expected a fit man (god forbid a woman has a taste for a man...). living with my dad during college was jsut a constant reminder that he still wished I was his innocent 8-year-old daughter. honestly, living with him was part of the reason why I was so eager to transfer. but anyways, yes, fathers are victor frankenstein and to be a daughter is to feel like the creature in your own home. especially when your mom is dealing with her own stuff, some personal/mental, other things that truama from my father carried over and just feeling like i had no one in my house to really talk to. i often relied on the ears of my friends to talk about this stuff, but my inability to keep friendships has just made me feel like the creature in so many ways recently than i have ever left during my entire life. let me quickly recap my day though. I went to inst201, went to dc to visit the yoga studio i will be volunteering at. i am really excited for this opportunity, i think this will be great for me and it can be a secret getaway i do every saturday that will harness my powers and try to keep my emotions centered. something as organized as a yoga studio volunteer is exactly what i need in my life, i really like jobs where i can expect the same thing every time - the predictablness lets me have fun in the mundaneness. in group settings, or like when im really high with other people, i get very anxious because i am not certain about what we will talk about, if i will have anything to say or I will say something dumb. i really enjoy speding time with one or two people that i really trust because our familiarity with each other just allows me to lower my gaurd, to embrace the relationship we have curated and treat our time together as quality time. so yeah, yoga every saturday ayyeeee. after that I went home and did some homework, then I went to the gym and climbed with ruwaida,emely, abrar and ethan. it was a good time and ruwaida and i kept saying michael cheese harry. i stretched for a second and came home to get ready to go home home - aka baltimore. im not writing in my dads living room. i ate chipotle for dinner, finished all of my assignments due tonight and talked to my dad about why they/them pronouns are not strange and how disgusting j.e. was. SA and i hung out too, that girl farts toooooo much. erm. speaking of relationships tho.... i think i am going to break up with ngei. or not think, i know i should and that i have to at this point. the fact that I allowed us to stay together after the events of late october just really show how weak I am. that should have been immediate grounds for ending things and my discipline was wrong to lead me astray and not end things with him. With ngei i don't feel like I can exhale. when we are just hanging out in my room its chill, thats my safe space and I feel open to kickback n relax but in public, i dont feel like.... i dunno, like i can let go then. there have just been too many instances where I am anxious to bring him around my friends, or when spending time with him has only made me feel worry or internal embarassment. i think he is a lovely human being and that he has love for me, and has tried to be a partner that i would want to stay with. however, in my heart, it doesn't feel like an easy thing, this love is not making me want to sing and blush in class. when i think about him its about how he hasn't texted me back, or that im upset all he can ask me is stuff about what solace* has done. i dont think about words he has said to me, words that i have tucked away into a pocket in my brain to be relooped whenever i need rememberance of the love i have received in life. so yeah.i think things should probably end. as sad as that makes me. i think my confusion with a friend mine has also led me to my choice too. but idk this is too public for me to be getting into allatttt hahaahahahah but i have noticed... certain feelings arising in me when spending time with a certain friend. it feels wrong to say as a person who is actively in a relationship but this has not been something i have acted on or intend to act on at all right now. not only because that would be wrong to do to ngei but because i am not an impulsive person like that!! our feelings often deceive us and i think if you rely on first insticnt immediately you could find yourself in extremely isolating situations. i think im done talking for tonight. so good night. abby :)
ugly crying on my bed right now. Solange, Blood Orange, and select dean blunt songs are the only to console me. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last night. I did it at my best friends birthday party, as the crowd began to dwindle. I wasn't sure when the next time i was going to see him was and I wanted to talk to him before i enclosed myself in a state of self delusion and paranoia. The breakup conversation itself went well. he did not try to fight me, or beg me to stay, he understood where i was coming from and was so gentle and respectful throughout the entire process. he hugged me and let me cry. then we moved to a different location and continued to share space with each other. he gave me an earbud and we listened to "give it away", "tears on his rings and chains" and other songs that make me want to uncontrollably sob whenever i hear them now. god this breakup is going to be so fucking hard. why was he so kind. why did he have to try at the last hour. why is it ME who feels guilty and stupid for doing this. through most of our relationship i have felt uncomfortable, like i was missing being told something, something that would have activated a sense of serene within me whenever i was with him. and now i feel like i have reached that, but i have nothing to do with this feeling. i cannot give him me true self now. i made the decision to break up with him and i told all of my close friends that i knew i had to do this and wanted to. and i did, i know what i did was not wrong. this choice is not going to led me astray, it is not going to harm me in the long run. but the feeling of knowing that that gorgeous man is no longer my partner, my lover, that he is 10 miles away probably feeling this same thing i am, unwilling to text me because i know his ego will not allow him to send me a sad midnight text asking me how i feel. i know he is hurting right now, and he will continue to hurt for a while, he told me this. as smooth as the breakup convo went, my being post breakup, for the next month or so will certainly be altered. its funny, we said we had to make it to christmas, and then make it to march to see blood orange. im glad we at least made it to nourished by time. an artist who i most definetly cannot listen to anymore without immediately seeing his face in my head. him singing rain water promise while driving us to new york, singing daddy dancing on the subway, singing hell of a ride while holding my hand on a trail. the whole passage of this relationship just makes me so so sad. we obviously both loved each other, but i dont think we were compatible. our lifestyles and relationship expectations just didn't suite with me and i think a big issue is that it COULD have worked with him, but for me i just felt like a rock in the middle of an ocean. why was i so immovable, why did i feel ashamed to bring him around my friends, easy to assume the worst about his intentions when saying something. i feel like my anxious attachment style made me this complete nerve ending!!! everything was so sensitive and impactful, nervewrecking but unserious. i just wish, i wish i could have been better and in a better mental state to have continuted to be him a relationship with ngei. i think we def could have made a very lovely couple. but again, just differences in us that bothered me a lot. and maybe its that, i think i am too bothered about things that don't fucking matter. what does it matter that he likes to partake in heavy drugs, even at inconvenient times. that he is very blunt and forward, that he FUCKFRUCKCFRUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUVK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. WHY AM I LIKE THIS, WHY DO I TAKE EVERYTHING SO FUCKING SERIOUS AND IM SO SENSITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING BOTHERS ME BUT I AM SO INDIFFERENT. i think i caused our relationship to end. im going to miss him dearly. i will miss the reels he sends me, and how he liked to touch my hair, how he wanted to do more for me and wanted to continue our relationship. i wanted to too , i wanted to see us in our spring semesters as new, mature and grown people. but it felt impossible for me to actually let that happen. to make our desires grow into fruition. i dug out the seed i planted out of fear that it would not blossom. i am crying in my bed right now but i will be ok. good night
doin a lotttt better today. ngei asked for his 2cb back this morning, at like 6 am lol. so hearing that bs made me be like - wait. this is not that serious hahaha. i charged my ds and have been playing kirby for the past 2 days. i love kirby,its just such a fun game and kirby is so cute, i love how he swallows something and his cheeks get all puffed. i hung out with amina after class and we took an exam, smoked sum cigs and just hung out. i think i have to lay off the cigs tho because like my lungs are cooked, i tried to run after the bus today and afterwards i was BREATHLESS and yesterday i rode my bike back home from campus and again it was really hard. but also i think i am just out of shape, i havent worked out in a while and i especially havent ran in a minute so the chain smoking certainly hasn't helped. i know its possible to be a fit smoker doe because my dad was for years. also today my lower back and vag have been hurting really bad, it reminds me of period cramps i used to get but i don't get my period anymoreeee....????? idk i went to the health center yesterday to see about it, the doctor said everything seems normal and she took some samples for tests so i geuss we'll see when the results come back. as of this week solace is officialy in Sol mode and we are trying to lock tf in with planning and gathering artists to put in the photobook and me determinging what i can do as the editor-in-chief. it is a very large role that im not sure i have the experience in doing but im sure that everything is going to pan out well and that this publication will be successful!!!!! god i hope these cramps go away. i've been listening to a lot of bladee and yung lean and thaiboy lately, just been da vibe. i like listenign to them because it reminds me of margot freddy and neala and i know that if i were to put a song on they would singalong and love it. most people who i have played bladee to have not liked the sound so its nice to know that there are people who will appreciate his artistry. speaking of artistry, i want to hone in on what i want to make. i have idea that go thru my mind and i have a passion to create but it feels like i lack the skill to really follow thru. but i dont think a lack of skill should prevent someone from making the art they want to put out in the world. it may not be perfect but, it may be ugly, that doesn't demote the value it holds however. i wish i had more to say for tonights blog, a lot of thoughts ran through my mind today and yesterday but for the past 2 hours i have just been in lizard brain mode. eat out of ha handddd abby